Why I Gave Up on Rock of Love

Blogging commentary about Rock of Love seemed like a good idea before the show started, but as a woman, it was hard to tune in to a show showing all these surgically enhanced women desperately chase after a rock star bachelor.

I just lost the taste for it. And for anyone who cares, Jess, the woman who “won”, has already ended things with Bret Michaels. According to reports, “she couldn’t handle the rock and roll lifestyle”. If you remember from my first Rock of Love commentary, I thought Jess was very cool, but perhaps too smart to even be bothered by this contest. I’ll have to claim my “I told you so” for that one, but I should have known better myself about blogging about a bachelor show in the first place. Even Tommy Lee from the Rock Star: Supernova show went on record as saying that Rock of Love was a stupid show, and he would never do a show like that himself.

Rock star or not, my expertise is music and the music biz, and that’s why I’m heading back to those roots. Ah well, those “rock star life lessons” have been learned all around then, haven’t they?

In other news, my new non-MySpace blog is almost ready for launch this month, so stay tuned!

Happy New Year! 2008 is gonna be great!

Love,
Carla Lynne Hall

Rock of Love: Monday Night Quarterback

Here’s some news!

Brandi C might not be the ultimate winner of Bret Michael’s heart. According to gossip site TMZ.com, Girlfriend went straight from the Rock of Love with Bret Michael reality TV show to Porn Movies!

Miz Thang was recently spotted in LA with Heather (co-contestant) by the paparazzi, and admitted to having a threesome on film. If you don’t believe me, check out her video interview from TMZ.com here.

See Mom and Dad! Those Gummi Bear boobs you bought for Brandi were an excellent investment! In her own words, “They were best birthday gift ever!”

Rock of Love: Girls, Girls, Girls!

So it’s another new episode that looks into Bret Michaels’ love life, which is getting hotter by the minute!

Tonight’s show starts with Security guy Big John offering the latest challenge to the girls: Motocross Racing! Bret admits that he loves riding motorcycles, and the girl for him would be one who also loves fast bikes. He offers a date to the fastest four girls.

The stretch Hummer takes the girls to the motorcross track, and introduces them to two female motorcross champions who show the girls how to ride the bikes. Lacey looks pretty good. Dallas was fast, but had no control over her bike, and was all over the place.

Bret then chooses three team captains: Erin, Heather, and Magdalena. Today’s event was to be a relay race with four girls on each team, so each captain chose her four girls. When Erin had to choose between Brandi C. (“meth-scratched face”) or Dallas, she actually chose Brandi C., even admitting that it was a difficult choice, over Dallas, who was a scary rider.

Ironically, Lacey and Dallas ended up being on the same team. Also ironically, after the race started, Lacey was the first one to bite the dust. She tried to keep going, but the bike was still in gear. Heather, her team’s captain, had to run help Lacey so the team might have a chance. Later, Dallas also ate it, but I mean like, body flying in the air, ate it. When she hit the ground, Bret and Heather laughed (in shock?), and then ran to see if Dallas was okay. Dallas was alright, but by that time, Rodeo took her team into the lead, and then won the race – and the date.

On the ride back to the house in the Hummer, Dallas and Lacey get into it again. Dallas screams at Lacey that Bret wore leather and snakeskin. Frankly, Dallas loses it, screaming and cursing at Lacey. She had been Miz Cool up to that point, but yeah, Dallas lost it. Now don’t you know that that’s what Lacey wants? Heavy sigh…

Back at the house, Dallas gets help from her girls who dress her in all kinds of fur and skins. Lacey dons her “I love PETA” (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) T-shirt, and you know right then, IT’S ON.

Dallas struts through the house in her fur and skins, and Lacey follows her around, instigating and antagonizing. Lacey calls Dallas’ name in a spooky singsong voice, and it was a bit creepy to watch. Lacey follows Dallas around, pushing Dallas’ buttons in the hopes of getting her to hit her, which would probably get Dallas eliminated on the spot. While watching this scene, all I could think about was, “Where the hell is Big John???”

All the girls are watching this scene play out, but it’s Rodeo who puts the kibosh on things. While Lacey and Dallas are on the stairs, probably a dangerous place to be having this “conversation”, Rodeo pulls Lacey out of Dallas’ face – thank goodness! “This stops now!”, Rodeo says to Lacey, who’s pulled away from the scene. If you ask me, Rodeo probably has the most common sense of the bunch, but seeing that this whole show is a cattle call date to win Bret Michael’s heart, obviously, common sense is lacking all around.

Which is why we tune in every week, right!?

Next up, it’s time for the winners’ dates with Bret to begin. Fortunately, Bret breaks up his dates with the four winners into two groups of two. Sam and Magdalena wanted to just spend time with Bret and get to know him, so he set up a little romantic dinner outside next to the pool.

Bret shows Magdalena and Sam a video of his life, and asks them about their lives. Sam is a fan and music lover, and she bonds easily with Bret. Magdalena, being originally from Poland, admits that she didn’t grow up listening to his music, and wasn’t exactly a fan, but that she was there for love. Bret seemed to like her honesty, and found that a turn on.

Next, Sam, Bret, and Magdalena are in a room together, talking and sharing strawberries. Bret wants to take turns making out with each of them while the other watched. Quite awkward. Sam hesitates before finally agreeing to make out with Bret. Sam then confesses that she wanted an orgasm, but didn’t want to do it in front of everyone. This revelation turns Bret on to no end, and he basically has to end the date because he can’t concentrate.

Bret’s next date is with Brandi M and Rodeo the next day, for a “date in the sun”. On the way to their adventure, Bret asks about the goings-on in the house. Rodeo tells Bret about the incident with Lacey and Dallas, and later tells the camera that she wouldn’t want Lacey around Bret’s kids. I have to say, Rodeo has a point there.

Bret takes Rodeo and and Brandi M to a custom bikini designer in Hollywood, and they try on different suits for him. Folks, it must be tough to be Bret Michaels!!!

Back at the house, Lacey, Heather, and Brandi C. are occupying their time drawing caricatures of the other girls, creating a mini-gallery called their “Wall of Shame”. Lacey thought that they’d be bored waiting for Bret and the girls to return, but they seemed to get a lot of enjoyment out of their art.

The camera then goes back to Bret’s date with Rodeo and Brandi M, which looks like a rooftop meal somewhere in LA. Brandi doesn’t like that Rodeo has so much to say, and that she can’t get a word in edge-wise. Because Brandi laughs and snort-burps, Rodeo doesn’t like Brandi M’s manners. But at least, there was no fighting or arguing.

After the date, Bret returns to the house to attempt further bonding with the other girls that he didn’t know too well yet. He chats with Kristia, but the conversation didn’t go too far. Bret appeared to ask if she could handle his partying every night, and from his hand gestures, it appeared that he was talking about screwing around every night. Her response was that that stuff didn’t matter to her, but it came off kind of lame. As she walked away, Bret mentioned that Kristia had the tiniest butt he’d ever seen. Her butt looked okay to me. I think he was turned off by her airiness.

Next, Bret met with Lacey, who was still adamant about animals. Dallas was also brought out, and she said that she wasn’t trying to date Lacey. Bret admits to us on the side that he grew up hunting and ate meat, and that one of them was going to have to go.

Soon it’s elimination time, and Kristia was the first called. She was sad, but kissed Bret goodbye. The two remaining girls were Lacey and Dallas, and the tension was thick. Bret eliminates Dallas, who shows off two middle fingers, and then walks off without hugging Bret goodbye.

Bret actually had the nerve to be upset over that, saying that not thanking someone for their hospitality was “pretty classless”. Bret Michaels, you may be a rock star, but for your own sake, GET REAL! You just can’t diss a Sista like that, and expect to get love on the way out. Where’s Dr. Phil when you need him?

Dallas put herself in physical danger to get Bret’s attention. Next she gets stalked by Lacey, and Big John is NOWHERE to be found, and Bret expects her to kiss him goodbye???

Sorry Bret, but Dallas telling you to kiss her ass is the classiest thing she could do under the circumstances. You know what they say, “It’s all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out!”

Monday Night Quarterback: Top Five Power Ballads Inspired by Rock of Love

So it’s Monday Night Quarterback time for Week 2 of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I’m in the mood for another list, how bout you? The twist to my list is that I’ve chosen songs inspired by Bret Michaels’ girls, in no particular order:

Top 5 All Time Rock Power Ballads

Still Loving You by The Scorpions – RODEO
Rodeo is the closest thing Bret Michaels has so far to a love connection on this show. Rodeo has a strong, ahem, sexual nature, and she and Bret can also bond over their kids. She may be older than some of the other babes, but Bret is no spring chicken himself. There are worst things in the world than a mature woman who can get down.

More Than Words by Extreme – TIFFANY
If actions speak louder than words, then Tiffany has said enough. At the beginning of the reality show, we liked that she had the balls to beg her way out of the first elimination. BUT her reliance on alcohol was her downfall. Bret gave her second chances because he knows what it’s like to be a sloppy mess, but in the end, do you think he wants to wake up to that kind of drama???

Every Rose Has its Thorn by Poison – ERIN
Erin, aka Ms Hooters of Illinois, probably has the biggest breasts in the house. I learned today that she graduated college in 3.5 years. This explains why she is always talking about how she is not like the other surgically enhanced ladies in the house. But it begs the question: If she’s so smart, why didn’t she get Gummi Bear boobs instead of the circus ones? Or why even get them at all? Frankly, I didn’t like how she attacked poor Brandi C’s “meth-scratched face”. That was more than harsh. That was nasty and cruel.

Beth by Kiss – LACEY
Since this Kiss song was sung by the drummer, and Lacey is a drummer, Lacey comes to my mind, even if I’m still not totally sure why. Probably because I really wanted to include this song in my list.

Love Hurts by Nazareth – BRANDI C
Yeah, I’m pulling out a classic favorite, just for Brandi. Brandi’s not particularly bright, but she is cute, and she seems to have a good heart under her Gummi Bears. I’m thinking that Bret needs a strong woman at his side, and Brandi isn’t that, but she means well.C’est La Vie!

Rock of Love with Bret Michael : Week 2

It’s the second week of “Rock f Love” with Bret Michaels, so let the fun and games begin!

This week’s show opens up in the morning. The girls are beginning to stir, while Bret is working out in his gym. While the girls head for the bar to start drinking their breakfasts, Lacey is shown in her behind the scenes interview saying that she has a “no daytime drinking” rule, BUT since no one in the house is getting up early to go to work, she has no problem bending that rule. She sounds like a Rock Star Girlfriend already!

And as alcohol tends to bring people closer, the girls start bonding over booze as they share their stories. Erin, also known as “Miss Hooters of Illinois” is heard telling some of the girls about a scrapbook that her ex-boyfriend had made for her. She then mentions that she had been engaged to this guy who was supposed to marry her in May. Her ex-fiance later broke up with her becuase he didn’t love her anymore. The other girls at the bar were listening with rapt attention. And so was Heather, who was across the room. Heather heard “fiance”, and “getting married in May”, and before you knew it, Erin’s blood had officially been spilled in the shark infested waters of this dating reality show.

Personally, I don’t know what Erin was thinking by sharing that info in the first place. Here she was rhapsodizing about a scrapbook made by someone who told her that he didn’t love her anymore. Her mentioning it makes me wonder if she’s over her ex, but as it also gave her competitors something to use against her, I’m now wondering about her powers of discernment. I wanted to yell at the TV, “Erin, these girls are not your friends, and that guy wasn’t your Prince Charming. Smarten up fast!”

But was she listening to me? Nooooooo!

Next, the rest of the girls wake up, and head down to the bar and kitchen. One group of girls stay at the bar, and begin partying like rock stars, dancing on the poles, making out with each other, you know, that sort of thing. The rest of the girls head out to the backyard, near the pool, and bitch about the girls who are “sluttin’ it up” inside. Dallas, the only remaining Sista in the house says that the house has “turned into a stripper hangout near the airport with fat chicks with huge fake implants”. And Jes of the hot pink hair refers to the other girls as “The Bimbo Posse”. And it becomes obvious that there are two camps which have formed in the house: “The Slutty Girls” (promiscuous girls with enhanced breasts) vs “The Bitchy Girls” (the smart, sexy “not as whorish” girls), and the fight is on!

Lacey decided to go outside and be friendly with The Bitchy Girls, but they basically blew her off, prompting Lacey to believe that they have “sticks up their asses”. Lacey decides to have a little fun, so she plots to throw someone in the pool. Unfortunately, Jes is the one chosen. Lacey goes to the side of the pool where Jes is, and pulls her into the pool, pissing Jes off BIG TIME. Jes warned Lacey to “just walk away”, and you could see the steam coming out of her ears. Jes later goes in the house to clean up, and Lacey and the girls in the inside Jacuzzi imitate Jes getting pulled into the pool. Lacey particularly enjoys mocking Jes: “Oh, I’m so wet!” Jes closes the door of the bathroom, and I know that this ain’t over.

The next scene shows Big John bringing down the first challenge for the girls: Giving Good Phone”. The three winners of the phone sex challenge would get to go on a date with Bret that night. Heather, the self-appointed ring leader of “The Varsity Squad”  (the slutty girls) believes that this is a job that her girls will win. So off the girls run to dress in their lingerie to get in the mood. Tiffany, also known as Miss Trouble, had said earlier that she was going to keep a low profile and see what’s up in the house, but as soon as this challenge was offered, her nervousness sent her back to the bar. To stimulate her creativity, wine was her drink of choice: “One white, one red”, shrugging since she wasn’t sure which one would help the most.

Next, Bret comes out in his pajamas, and a guy pretending to be a doctor announces that he has a contraption that will measure the amount of blood flowing through Bret’s member as unidentified girls talk dirty to him on the phone. One by one, the girls talk to Bret in front while the others wait. Like most things, some girls are better than others at phone sex. We get to see the chart measuring the girls’ effect on Bret’s member, and the three winners had their own thing: Erin used naughty words in a British accent, Lacey gave some kind of sexy poetry with dragons (Dragons? What is this Harry Potter?), and Rodeo gave great phone, she looked like she was going to climax on the spot!

After the winners were announced, Brandi C of the high-pitched voice admitted to Erin that she was jealous that Erin won the date with Bret, especially since Erin has “circus boobs”. Folks, Erin wasn’t named “Hooters of Illinois” for nothin’! Her breasts are probably the largest in the house, most definitely enhanced, and when you imagine the amount of silicone in that house, it’s interesting that the other girls are comparing themselves to each other. Erin didn’t like the comment, so she told Brandi C that she had a “meth-scratched face”, and then performed a scathing imitation of Brandi’s voice. Okay, that wasn’t necessary, and Brandi C was later in tears while Kristia, her “Bambi Twin”, hugged her.

In another room, Heather is mentioning something about her dog, and Dallas announces that she eats animals and wears fur, and that if Heather’s dog was there, she’d slit its throat. Lacey hears about this, and is immediately provoked. Apparently, Lacey is a member of Peta, and hearing Dallas brag about wearing furs and eating meat has gotten her hot and bothered.

Now Lacey, haven’t you watched enough reality shows to know that Dallas is deliberately provoking you? And after pulling Jes in the pool, I’d say that you like dishing it out, but I’m not sure if you can take it. In my opinion, “The Bitchy Girls” are the smarter bunch, and therefore less likely to win Bret’s hand, so they get lots of enjoyment from picking on “The Slutty Girls” in the meantime.

Brandi C is still upset about Erin’s nasty comment, and with Kristia, she goes to Bret to tell him, as he’s the only one who could console her. In tears, Brandi tells Bret that she had been in a car accident last year and had 64 stitches on her face, and how could Erin make fun of her disability. Bret admitted later to being turned on by Brandi’s mousy voice. Bret made out with Brandi, and all was right again in the world for Brandi.

It’s time for the date, and Bret takes Lacey, Rodeo, and Erin to Jim Henson Studios to meet with Don Was, who is producing a track for Bret. Bret has each of the girls contribute. Lacey, being a musician herself, is happy, and in her element. She sings a chorus, so she and Bret bond over that.
Rodeo moans on the track, getting very aroused in the process (“I can actually have an orgasm if I needed to!”), and later makes out with Bret. Erin, who’s never been in a recording studio before, adds some more of her British accented naughty talk. Afterwards, Bret pulled Erin aside for some conversation, but admitted later that he found it difficult to keep his eyes from her breasts, which were “kinda clouding my thought process.”

After the gang of four returns from their date, Heather, also known as “Captain of the Varsity Squad” has been chmping at the bit, and cannot wait to spill the beans about Erin’s fiance. Heather pulls Bret aside, and tattles on Erin. Heather leaves, and Erin is called in to defend herself. Erin denies that a current fiance exists, and she’s pissed that people are trying to turn Bret against her. Heather is called back, and Erin again denies that she has a boyfriend back home. Heather says, “I only have Bret’s best interest at heart.” Oh, puh-leeze. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

So it’s time for elimination, and Erin is on edge. As Tiffany didn’t do well in the phone sex challenge, Bret had told her that it might be strike three for her. When Bret hands out the VIP passes, he calls Rodeo’s name again first. Hmmmm. As far as the girls that didn’t make the cut, Tamra (“dumb as a box of rocks” says Bret) was eliminated, as well as Tawny. It’s no surprise that Tiffany was eliminated, but she actually slurred to the camera later, “I’m the one he could have taken home to Mom”. Hello? Reality check, anyone???

See you tomorrow for my Rock of Love “Monday Night Quarterback”!

Rock of Love with Bret Michael ~ Week 1

Are you ready for a hot summer? Last night was the premiere episode of VH1’s “Bret Michael’s Rock of Love”, and it was Groupielicious!!!! I had seen rapper Flavor Flav’s “Flavor of Love” despite my better judgement and its hook was like heroin. But now Poison’s lead singer Bret Michael’s has added his own spin to VH1’s Reality Romance franchise, and I think that we are all going to need serious rehab by the time this reality
show ends. Flav had a certain charm to him, but Bret Michaels is a Rock Star in every sense of the word: Sexy, long hair, cool, charismatic, et cetera, and these girls want him baaaaaaad!!!! I couldn’t totally understand the girls fighting over Flav, but I totally get why Bret has his girls panting to be his #1 Groupie Girlfriend.

One major difference between the girls fighting over Flav and the girls fighting over Bret is that they really and truly have no shame. Which is why we’ll be tuning in, of course. Did you know that there’s such thing as “Gummy Bear Boobs”? This refers to the consistency of a new style of silicone implants – fascinating! During one conversation of the ladies, there was speculation that only two of the 21 original ladies in the house had natural breasts. And two blonde girls bonded immediately, joking, “If we put our boobs together,
we’ll think better!” What the hell do I know, maybe they’re right. Regardless, I’ll be tuning in to see how low these women go to get their man.

At the very beginning, 25 girls waited in front of the Reality Show House for Bret to arrive on his motorcycle. After a brief hello, he introduces his security guy and best friend “Big John”, an ex-Marine, who then takes charge. Bret leaves to take a shower (didn’t he take a shower before he got there?), Big John immediately picks five girls and asks them to “sit tight”. As you watch the faces, you can tell that no one is sure if getting picked is a VIP thing or not. Big John sends the remaining girls into the house, and proceeds to tell
the five girls that “their tour ends here”. In other words, he sent the dogs home.

Of course, one of those girls refused to take no for an answer. Remember this name: Tiffany. Speaking of this particular name, if you watched Flavor of Love, Tiffany was also the name of the girl better known as New York, the high-maintenance contestant who made it to Flavor of Love I and II, creating enemies with the other girls, creating sky high ratings, and got her own reality show, “I love New York”, in which she searched for her own true reality show love. If the name is any indication, watch out.

This Tiffany proceeded to bang on the front door, and begged Big John to take her in, pleading that she’d sleep on the floor, anywhere, just to be included. She gave the sob story about making Bret a hat, and coming all the way from Chicago, and she just wasn’t ready to go. Big John actually gave in, and the show got it’s first taste of Trouble. The other girls had already found the bar in the house and proceeded to get their drink on.
Tiffany wasted no time catching up, and even surpassing the other girls with her alcohol consumption. It was not pretty, but I’ll return to that in a minute.

Bret comes back showered and changed, and takes photos of the girls. I actually thought this was a smart move, because the camera picked up a lot of personality, or lack thereof, of the girls. If a girl was sexy, trashy, innocent, sloppy drunk, or not too bright, even – the camera picked it up. If I could see all of the photos myself, I’d probably have a good idea of who would have a chance on the show. But what fun would that be? We still have ten weeks of drama ahead of us. Don’t want to spoil the fun!

Bret then attempts to have “alone time” with each of the girls, which was difficult because all the ladies wanted “a piece of rocker ass”. He’d start talking with two girls, then other girls would come to pull him away. Talk about Adult Attention Deficit Disorder – with all of the boobage in his face, it was difficult for him to maintain conversations without being pulled in all directions. Folks, it must be quite difficult to be Bret Michaels. After getting totally shitfaced, Tiffany interrupted one of his getting to know you conversations by straddling him and bouncing on his lap. In his words, Tiffany pummelled his penis while the girls who were there first watched in disgust.

So it’s no surprise that Tiffany was an unwelcome guest in the eyes of the other ladies who felt that Big John should have let her stay cut from the show. Big John had a to warn her a couple of times not to make him regret giving her a second chance. But I have a feeling that his regret had already started. Tiffany was a drunk mess, and the girls had no sympathy or care for her. They dissed Tiffany to her face, while she said intelligible things about how they were jealous of her. VH1 even provided subtitles for Tiffany’s drunken
rants (“I don’t drink Hater-ade”), which ended with her crying on a seat, saying that her child was why she was here.

Er, you mean this sloppy mess is someone’s mother???

So I don’t have to tell you that Tiffany made the first cut, do I? But hey, so did “Ms. Hooters of Illinois”.

Ah well, there’s so much more I could add, but I’ll just share my early favorites to win:

Rodeo – Wearing a cowboy hat, Bret was feeling this personal trainer. She and Bret did appear to have a connection, and they bonded over their kids, as well as shared struggles. When Bret announced the names, he called hers first.

Brandi M – Smart girl, a Scorpio (“ruled by her genitals” she says)

Jes – Blonde with hot pink streaked hair. Also smart, but perhaps too smart to put up with this show

Sam – Blonde Tattooed lady. However, she does not party at all. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, what do you do? I’m not sure how far this will go in the rock world, but she was cool.

Lacey – Koolaid Cherry Red hair colored drummer chick who professes to understand the rock and roll lifestyle (Either that means she won’t mind if he sleeps around on tour, or perhaps just gets blow jobs?). Let’s face it, Bret does want a cool girl that understands “the life” so he can still have fun, but time will tell.

This show promises to be the catfight of the century. So let the Bitchfest begin!!!!