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Rock of Love with Bret Michael ~ Week 1

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Are you ready for a hot summer? Last night was the premiere episode of VH1’s “Bret Michael’s Rock of Love”, and it was Groupielicious!!!! I had seen rapper Flavor Flav’s “Flavor of Love” despite my better judgement and its hook was like heroin. But now Poison’s lead singer Bret Michael’s has added his own spin to VH1’s Reality Romance franchise, and I think that we are all going to need serious rehab by the time this reality
show ends. Flav had a certain charm to him, but Bret Michaels is a Rock Star in every sense of the word: Sexy, long hair, cool, charismatic, et cetera, and these girls want him baaaaaaad!!!! I couldn’t totally understand the girls fighting over Flav, but I totally get why Bret has his girls panting to be his #1 Groupie Girlfriend.

One major difference between the girls fighting over Flav and the girls fighting over Bret is that they really and truly have no shame. Which is why we’ll be tuning in, of course. Did you know that there’s such thing as “Gummy Bear Boobs”? This refers to the consistency of a new style of silicone implants – fascinating! During one conversation of the ladies, there was speculation that only two of the 21 original ladies in the house had natural breasts. And two blonde girls bonded immediately, joking, “If we put our boobs together,
we’ll think better!” What the hell do I know, maybe they’re right. Regardless, I’ll be tuning in to see how low these women go to get their man.

At the very beginning, 25 girls waited in front of the Reality Show House for Bret to arrive on his motorcycle. After a brief hello, he introduces his security guy and best friend “Big John”, an ex-Marine, who then takes charge. Bret leaves to take a shower (didn’t he take a shower before he got there?), Big John immediately picks five girls and asks them to “sit tight”. As you watch the faces, you can tell that no one is sure if getting picked is a VIP thing or not. Big John sends the remaining girls into the house, and proceeds to tell
the five girls that “their tour ends here”. In other words, he sent the dogs home.

Of course, one of those girls refused to take no for an answer. Remember this name: Tiffany. Speaking of this particular name, if you watched Flavor of Love, Tiffany was also the name of the girl better known as New York, the high-maintenance contestant who made it to Flavor of Love I and II, creating enemies with the other girls, creating sky high ratings, and got her own reality show, “I love New York”, in which she searched for her own true reality show love. If the name is any indication, watch out.

This Tiffany proceeded to bang on the front door, and begged Big John to take her in, pleading that she’d sleep on the floor, anywhere, just to be included. She gave the sob story about making Bret a hat, and coming all the way from Chicago, and she just wasn’t ready to go. Big John actually gave in, and the show got it’s first taste of Trouble. The other girls had already found the bar in the house and proceeded to get their drink on.
Tiffany wasted no time catching up, and even surpassing the other girls with her alcohol consumption. It was not pretty, but I’ll return to that in a minute.

Bret comes back showered and changed, and takes photos of the girls. I actually thought this was a smart move, because the camera picked up a lot of personality, or lack thereof, of the girls. If a girl was sexy, trashy, innocent, sloppy drunk, or not too bright, even – the camera picked it up. If I could see all of the photos myself, I’d probably have a good idea of who would have a chance on the show. But what fun would that be? We still have ten weeks of drama ahead of us. Don’t want to spoil the fun!

Bret then attempts to have “alone time” with each of the girls, which was difficult because all the ladies wanted “a piece of rocker ass”. He’d start talking with two girls, then other girls would come to pull him away. Talk about Adult Attention Deficit Disorder – with all of the boobage in his face, it was difficult for him to maintain conversations without being pulled in all directions. Folks, it must be quite difficult to be Bret Michaels. After getting totally shitfaced, Tiffany interrupted one of his getting to know you conversations by straddling him and bouncing on his lap. In his words, Tiffany pummelled his penis while the girls who were there first watched in disgust.

So it’s no surprise that Tiffany was an unwelcome guest in the eyes of the other ladies who felt that Big John should have let her stay cut from the show. Big John had a to warn her a couple of times not to make him regret giving her a second chance. But I have a feeling that his regret had already started. Tiffany was a drunk mess, and the girls had no sympathy or care for her. They dissed Tiffany to her face, while she said intelligible things about how they were jealous of her. VH1 even provided subtitles for Tiffany’s drunken
rants (“I don’t drink Hater-ade”), which ended with her crying on a seat, saying that her child was why she was here.

Er, you mean this sloppy mess is someone’s mother???

So I don’t have to tell you that Tiffany made the first cut, do I? But hey, so did “Ms. Hooters of Illinois”.

Ah well, there’s so much more I could add, but I’ll just share my early favorites to win:

Rodeo – Wearing a cowboy hat, Bret was feeling this personal trainer. She and Bret did appear to have a connection, and they bonded over their kids, as well as shared struggles. When Bret announced the names, he called hers first.

Brandi M – Smart girl, a Scorpio (“ruled by her genitals” she says)

Jes – Blonde with hot pink streaked hair. Also smart, but perhaps too smart to put up with this show

Sam – Blonde Tattooed lady. However, she does not party at all. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, what do you do? I’m not sure how far this will go in the rock world, but she was cool.

Lacey – Koolaid Cherry Red hair colored drummer chick who professes to understand the rock and roll lifestyle (Either that means she won’t mind if he sleeps around on tour, or perhaps just gets blow jobs?). Let’s face it, Bret does want a cool girl that understands “the life” so he can still have fun, but time will tell.

This show promises to be the catfight of the century. So let the Bitchfest begin!!!!

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